Dearest Diary #3

##/##/####

Today was really quite cheering. I woke around noon after a relatively restful night’s sleep. The mist had set in, but that was no bother; I think I could still hear the odd bird or two (crows, I think), which was enough. The leaves were everywhere in their golden splendor, decorating the grounds like fallen children playing ‘Ring a Ring o’ Roses’. Strange that I might equate that rhyme I haven’t heard sung in such a long time with something positive, I never did like it as a child; I was always afraid I wouldn’t get back up again. I didn’t like, and still don’t, to feel my heartbeat, perhaps for similar reasons. What if I felt it stop? Wouldn’t want to tempt fate. Can hearts know when they’re being listened to?

Sat in Malady for a while, writing some letters that I should have written many months ago. Most of them are simply dull and uninteresting. One of them… one of them will never be sent. Can’t be sent. But it helped eased my mind a little knowing that it was there, should I ever need to deliver it. I took great care to seal it in the envelope, and for now it shall stay with Malady. There’s a very old family set of drawers that hasn’t earned its keep thus far, well, now it can do. At the two forward facing corners of the wooden drawers are two snarling lion heads. I love to run my fingers over them, they’re very intricately carved, and I take special care to lightly run my fingers over the pointed teeth. Feels comforting, somehow. The uppermost drawer has a brass lock on it, but I can’t for the life of me remember where the key is. In fact, I’m not even sure what’s inside it, if anything, as it’s been so long since I opened it. Never mind, I put the letter in the drawer underneath. Once I find the key I shall put it in the locked one, until now it can remain in safety’s shadow.

Must be awfully boring lying in a wooden drawer, suffocated by the smell of old, dead wood. Just lying there. In the darkness. I think I’d sleep, waking upon being found. Perhaps I’d never wake up. But then, maybe it would be better that way.

After that was all done I sat in the library and did some reading. Can’t remember what I read, mind. I must have drifted off, for I awoke in the big chair sometime in the late afternoon. Truth be told I didn’t recognise the book I woke up next to. Somewhat tatty brown leather book. Had a beautiful design on it though. It was an angel weeping over a sarcophagus of some kind, with a giant snake coiled around it. I can’t make out the letters on the front. I’ll have to reread it sometime soon. I felt it was right to focus on the fact that I had actually done some reading, rather than dwell on my lack of remembrance. Reading’s a productive thing to do with one’s time. Learned men read a lot, after all.

I wished to write more, but I promised myself I wouldn’t waste this day getting lost in my own thoughts. My tea should be brewed by now, and I shall go attend to it by the fire. Might have to get myself a cat to keep me company by the fireplace. I imagine that’s where they like to curl up. I think I would like the company.

I still haven’t found my keys.

Dearest Diary #2

I feel hollow.The world no longer has any flavour and I feel too tired to do anything about it.It’s getting difficult to think properly;my urge to do something creative or worthwhile is being crushed by some invisible force.Weirdly,I can’t help but bask in that overwhelming feeling of giving up.It’s as if the Outside is running at a faster pace than I am,and I’m totally fine with that.I doubt I’ll even see everyone else at the finishing line as I don’t know if I’ll make it that far.Do I want to face those that have surpassed me?Sometimes I get these urges to just run. Fast.And far.Just keep running until my legs burn and tears streak my cheeks.But then I realise I’m wading through sludge.This constant sludge.It coats my brain and hampers all thoughts.Yet in my darkest moments,when sleep seems blissful,I find comfort.I stared at myself in the mirror for what seemed like an hour the previous day.My smile seemed like a broken promise,a promise that everything makes sense.I’m not certain it was me in the mirror,but then I don’t know what I should look like.What face would best suit me?If I’d never seen what I looked like before,and was then given the chance to start again and sculpt my own body from scratch,would I end up,through chance or something deeper,with something that looked like my previous body?How tied am I to my features?If I could no longer see any colours,would I miss them?Sometimes when I’m lying in bed,I think I hear things.Faint laughter.Hushed conversations.A croaky whisper, ‘I am nothing.I am Void.I am blackness’.But perhaps it is merely the crackling of the fire and whistling of the wind in the chimney playing tricks on a tired mind.But that scratching sound.Soon I might take away a section of the wall to find the source of that sound.I thought writing for the sake of writing might help me feel a little better.Trick me into thinking I had at least accomplished something,even if it is worthless and lacking in real content.Alas.I feel nothing.I feel hollow.

I am void

[Recovered Page]

[Much of the page was badly damaged, only fragments of text have been restored]

—-

…lonely. And cold. Sometimes I feel like the darkness is crowding in around me, and I’m not sure whether I find it comforting or horrifying. It just feels so dark. So empty. I think I’m looking at a polluted night sky, unable to see those distant stars through all the debris of life. No, that’s not right. More…… like the night is clear, but all the stars have gone away.

All the stars have gone away and I’m the only one who’s noticed.

—–

… seen by candlelight. Like children they scuttle in the recesses of my vision. Or maybe it’s just the one; one indistinct whole. Do I want the com…

—–

…I find writing these things down helps a little. Even if I do lose track of where I keep putting everything. There’s too many rooms. Maybe I should pick a favourite room and do all my writings in there. A study of sorts. Yes, I’ll do that tomorrow when I have the time (so much to do!), and I’ll give the room a name. Or maybe I should give every room a name, so as not to make the others feel left out. I don’t think I’d like for some of the rooms to get sad, that would provoke…

—–

…but I do like the name Malady. Is that a name? It sounds nice, a happy sort of word. If you say it out loud fast enough it sounds like you’re saying ‘My Lady’ with a curious accent. That shall be the name of the writing room then, ‘Malady’.

[At the bottom of the page were a few faint sketches of (what look like) unattached fingers in various different positions]

The Notepad #1

I want to go outside, just to have a look around. Seems a shame that I don’t feel up to it. Maybe tomorrow; I want to touch her for myself. I don’t like to see them touch her.

Round and round and round and round and round and round and round she goes.

Round. Round. Round.

R O U N D

I wonder if she can see me? I’d wave but I’m not sure if I’d want her to wave back.

 

 

Haven’t figured out the consequences of acknowledgement yet. Soon. Perhaps.

 

rOUnD. R. O. U. N. D. S. H. E. G. O. E. S. dnuor. Seems strange the more you think about it. roundroundroundroundROUND.

How unfamiliar!

TO DO:

+ Finish reading the book with the funny cover.

+ Find out what’s making that noise at night

+ Get round (so strange!!!) to opening that door. Round? Around?

+ Find the dictionary and look up ’round’ and ‘around’. Are they real words?!

+ Find my bloody keys.

 

its impolite to look too long at her. dangerous

Dearest Diary #1

Dearest Diary,

The scratching in the walls has started again. I’m not sure what’s caused that dreadful sound to return, but it has. It happens when I turn off the light to go to sleep. Gentle at first, like a child idly chipping at the corner of some peeling wallpaper. But then it starts to get more and more frantic. Like it has a purpose. Like something’s trying to get through.

I thought it might be the rats at first. Can’t seem to shift the buggers, especially now it’s starting to get colder. To be perfectly honest I’m not sure I really mind the company of the rats. They keep to themselves mostly, and I can’t rightly claim that they’ve caused me any harm. Not intentionally anyway. But no. I know what the rats sound like; their scurrying is almost calming when one’s thoughts are troubled.

The rats don’t come to the walls of my room though; they stay away. I’ve always wondered why, as the walls are just as hollow as the ones they do like to run along (the wall behind my book case in the study seems to get the most attention; my little librarians). And I am certain that the walls surrounding my room must be slightly warmer than the rest of the house because I make sure to keep my fireplace lit during these wintry nights. The cold eats away at me and I daren’t go out. I must stay here and make do with the food parcels that my brother brings. Can’t go out. Never go out. Not now.

Not now.

There! I can hear it! I think it might be coming from the wall behind my bed.

Scratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratchscratch